Friday, August 28

sesshin


its like one of those full moon nights
where you stare into your own shadow
until the illuminating sun arises
and when you slowly walk away
after an exhausting deliberation
all you know as truth is your own delusion

Friday, August 21

saying goodbye

its the same feeling i get when i see two airplanes heading in opposite
directions in the new moon sky of new mexico's star filled brilliance


Wednesday, August 19

clouds of truth


as the sound of the wind blows though my mind
it makes me feel my oneness with her essence
connected. whole. complete

then that voice takes flight
on the next wind out
its as if i never ever existed
to me
to her
or him
what is it about him that seems to become younger and younger every-time i look at his photograph?
perhaps it is me that is growing older

yes
perhaps i am

the meaning in life is taking on a new meaning
i look at what i'd be doing
if i were not here
if i were there
and i see myself smiling
now
even if i am feeling my walls collapse all around me
yet, this truth:
suffocating in the most liberating way

living life with meaning
is all there is to do
living life without
is no meaning at all

there are those blissful days that i lay and stare at the vastness
of her radiance
her wide open, unafraid blue
its there i see myself
in that heart shape
that stands so firm in her conviction of perserverance
yes its there
that i see myself
in love
in truth
in belief
with myself

yes, i see myself

Saturday, August 15

on losing my mind

its like time stops
and i keep falling
like alice
like myself

there i am sitting on a zafu
again
there i am
trying to be free
trying to find myself
again
what self?
perhaps the problem is in the search

here i am
this is me
rebelling
again
giving my mind space for expression with this medium

so goes it
i suppose

welcome to the dharma...

Wednesday, August 12

What I'm Not Thinking About...

I'm not thinking of lights or having sex. What the facial expressions are of those behind me. If those flies have been the kitchen today. What the Neurobiology Of We conference would be like if We were all naked. If mud was involved. What the wind is saying outside. Where Tara is right at this peculiar moment. How small my hands are compared to Arne's. What the Lahu womyn are doing today. Markets in Thailand. My skeletal system. I'm not thinking about the potential relationship my mother and I could have, if only...

The gyres full of plastic. The war zones of Detroit, Oakland, Philly. Tenaciousness. I'm not thinking about my fear of being hacked up while camping. Or brother Joey's accord. What it felt like to wear a dress. Dreams last night. Sex. I'm not thinking about sex. Or homeland security. Or abortion. Ice skating. I'm not thinking about my baby toes or my torn tendon. I'm not thinking about Obama's day. Or his schedule. Or his true nature. I'm not thinking about Kombucha. Grass blowing at the Catholic Church on Salmon and 41st. Julia. I'm not thinking about Nichole or taking her up the highest point in Portland. Arne. I'm not thinking about patriarchy. Rape culture. Male/female binary. How much I admire Natalie and Roshi's work. How much I'd like to feel another planet under my feet, or the moon.

I'm not thinking about racism. New Orleans. New York. Buffalo. I'm not thinking about witch camp. Zafu's. Being naked next to a cis-gendered man. I'm not thinking about my mother. Or the temple outside this zendo. Wafa. Palestine. I'm not thinking about rubbish, plastic, waste. Accumulating more and more shit. I'm not thinking about cutting hair. People's smells. Being short. Being on edge. Women's centers. I'm not thinking about what I'll do tonight. Who I'll write next. How I'll sleep or when I'll next shower...

Wednesday, August 5

we are rising



that flight she took
brought her to places she's only dreamed
now she's realizing the impact of claiming the phoenix
its powerful name invokes deep potential
for quantum shifts in consciousness
life
love
being

these days
she's simply leaning to be
yet still
she's dancing in all those places she coming to know within

truth be told
she is a phoenix
and she's rising up
yet even looking down
she's still beholding all the glory
all the pain
the lies
suffering
jealously
shiftiness
all the insecurity
and doubt

all that she's left behind
she's grateful for
thankful to those who loved
to those who did not
thankful to those who compromised
to those who did not
thankful to those who betrayed
and all those who feared

for in each of you is me
and in me
is each of you

we are one
and together
we are rising

Tuesday, August 4

goodbye seattle

dripping wax
tori amos
romance
clothes strewn from bed to bath
closets
"you will be loved"
notes on doors
dicks boiling in pots on stoves
fists, fingers, come...yum
hide-a-way

semore
afternoons under blankets at tabor
andrew bird
skateboarding towards the sunrise
cedar trees
time clock ticking away...
welcoming the blue light of dawn
studying at cafe's
train
sex
train
budding love
fear there in
snow falling on doug firs
babies
octopus
true love

the redirection of her ego

been redirecting that energy
writing letters to him every day
words his eyes will never read
images his senses will never engage

its clearly all about my ego you see
thats why i'm here right?
i've come to learn to be more open

to allow those to love me

but wait, no
no
no
no, no no
your here to love yourself
become more open, sure
but grow indeed my dear
develop into a deeply rooted madrone

but that shadow
is blocking my heart
you can't see it
cause its hiding behind my ego

but that dark dark shadow of your mind
its evolving
to create a space for love
in time

in time
this is the key
in time

but my soul is onto their heart tearing motives

but perhaps you've got it all wrong
from past pains
ego-filled
false ideas
and love is love is love is...

whatever
i must to go confront my ego now
zazen is my only reprieve these days
from that place my ego likes to revel in

Sunday, August 2

When wisdom, love and presence filled me


Just got back from camping with my dear friend Steph. She is so spirited. We had a most amazing time. We went camping in this incredibly remote place-it was twenty miles from a tiny town and another 10 miles off road. The place we found ourselves at was on the Eddy River in Abiquiu, NM. The river snakes and turns a whole bunch. We had the entire place, the whole world it felt like, to ourselves. I've never slept under the wide open sky, but we did. The sky was filled so much with stars that it was almost an effort to find the blue in the sky. I've never seen so many shooting stars-they just kept chasing one another across the midnight blue sky. Wow.

Around 2 AM, a massive bird came to visit. She flew in with the wind and perched herself on top the closest tree to us. She visited for about 2o minutes and with the next breath of wind, her shadowed self took flight.

Momma moon is waxing, past half full (much like my life these days). The moonshine illuminated the night sky so intensely, that it was not until she was below the horizon that the milky way presented themselves. It was stunning.

When we first arrived, it was so remote that we could totally and completely be free & naked. There were us, the trees, her pups and momma Earth. We were able to cover our bodies with mud, bake in father suns rays and rinse in the red-flowing river. So special, so healing.

At one point we stumbled into this large, old, beautiful, wise grandmother tree. She brought such healing sounds out of me. The sounds began in my base chakra and worked up towards my crown. Each sound was completely different from the following. They began very basey. Like roots. Like Earth. It was so powerful, and I still feel as if that large, old, beautiful wise grandmother tree helped show me the way to vibrational healing. Her essence embraced us, held us there and provided a space for deep soul healing...

Saturday, August 1

Blessed Are Friends














never has she realized the potency in friendship
until her attachment to Relationships ended
its ripe with love
and care
there are no need for walls
no protection to seek
she can be free
flying high in the sky
free
to be happy
content
unafraid of what the other may think

there is a beauty in the boundlessness of friendship
a simplicity in that connection
one that she is so glad to finally know