Wednesday, September 29

Wax in Water

Dreaming in the dark on the edge of this
changing season of auburn barley miso soup, nori sesame rice balls and vermicelli sunomono. Setting suns before 7. Ours.

still
there's a craving there
and
somewhere
the questions are still unanswered

even when she stands alone under this fading smoke-filled pinkening sky
she sheds multitudes of this:
a sentient being inside

searching
out-loud
to herself
she's searching in same way of those needles from cedars and pacific madrone's shedding layer upon layer
reaching out towards the salt
reaching out towards the cliff
before berries
or bloom
she's searching

and this
at the half moon of autumn's first round
a deep
deep longing for that kind of stability that comes from years of practice
a deep stability that comes from years of deep practice
but the further she goes down into that labyrinthine rabbit hole
she's finds not much else but her minds eye immersed in the dizzying gray boundless waters of illusion

she's hugely confused by feminism now
greatly confused by sexual preferences
and gender identity
but mostly
mostly
she's confused by all those years of constructing an identity at all
clinging to those foundations she built

built
from a strong determination to be someone worth striving for
and now here she is
being told to throw it all towards the wayside
but instead
she's just sleeping by the wayside
lucidly looking for it all to make sense
shattered piece by piece
broken heart by heart
deluded story by story

spent!
she screams
i'm fucking spent!

its useless
she hears herself mutter quietly to those spiraling winds of time
its useless

but wait
wait my dear love
wait

she hears a whisper so low it sounds like ants marching through space

wait
its the eastern wind carrying raven upon their breast
wait
and listen
beyond bounds is sense
beyond sense is truth
a life worth striving for 
is inherent in all beings
for all beings belong

so
she sighs
okay winds of time
okay heart busted open
okay raven of the light
okay autumn of the fall



i'll wait
she says
i'll wait
and just keep facing those faces and those walls
i'll wait
for the melting to commence

drips
like wax
dripping
like water
into the timelessness of surrender